52 card pick up

that’s how my brain feels right now.

I have so many cards stacked on so many surfaces and I don’t even know where to start picking them up — let alone sort them.

let’s take this post — i started writing that paragraph (^) about two hours ago after wrestling with trying to figure out if i wanted to edit photos so I could upload them to shutterstock, listening to podcasts, trying to watch a tv show, trying to finish packing. then i ended up listening to podcasts and playing candy crush then going on a weird twitter break and grieving my grandfather, sobbing, and then deciding now’s the time to break into voice acting(?)

anyway here i am. it’s 3am, I’m back to writing. I can’t even decide if i want to capitalize any letters in my writing. i feel like my brain is in twenty different rooms and they’re all screaming about which room I should be in but i am just sitting in the hallway of my mind. and i know that it’ll eventually mean, i will close my laptop, lie down. try to sleep and then obsess over something else for another hour or two before I am finally asleep.

it’s exhausting. im exhausted. i want to just be able to lie down, turn off my brain and close my eyes but i cant. i am wildly overwhelmed, i think. i am anxious. i am tired. iam currently incoherent.

the past two nights, i fell asleep at quarter to 5am, woke up around 9am and tried to power through.

after staring at this page again.. i realize now i forgot the whole purpose of this post and what i intended… but im going to keep it and publish it as is because it’s honest and it’s messy and it’s who i am right now.

good morning.

goodnight.