everything, everywhere, all at once (a story about my brain)

I suppose I can start off by saying I have 4 drafts in my posts folder. Or maybe I should lead with the pages of ideas in my idea journal. I can wax poetic about intentions and projects yet to be.

The fact remains: I've been in a creative spiral.

I want to do so many things and I end up starting a few pieces of everything and then realizing I had spent so much time focusing on the wrong this and maybe I should have been working on something else.

and on

and on

and on

and on

and the burnout shame spiral continues.

I think I've become so accustomed to being burned out at work that I don't know how to not feel that way. So now that I have a job that, while it can be stressful at times, I am able to better manage my workflow, I think I'm overdoing my own projects and treating this as the space for me to be burned out.

So I'm going to keep trying. I'm going to keep trying new things and keep trying to find ways to get myself out of this headspace. Because I'm straight up stressing myself out and in these times when I do, Michael (therapist extraordinaire), reminds me that I'm doing this to myself. I'm creating this and therefore I'm creating the rules here.

I've thought about recording my videos for my reviews for a long time but I wanted to stick to the process of writing. The problem with that is, I tend to read late at night and it's usually my way to wind down. I've come up with a note taking system for myself to keep track of what I'm reading when I'm reading in a very low stakes manner and I've decided to try it out tomorrow. Try recording my reviews to at least catch up with where I'm at because at this point I'm like ten reviews behind and I was slowing down my reading to try to keep up but I was stressing myself out about it because reading is what calms down my anxiety sooooo....

Okay, that's my plan. I'm going to try to record the review for the next review I've been trying to write since JULY(!) and go from there.

As for the Amanda Vs Cancer part, I'm still trying to figure out the direction I want to take on it. I have some ideas for things I want to create. But I think what's also holding me back from all of that is I've been struggling to figure out where I am with that part of my life because I literally don't know what's going on. I've been having a hard time trying to get in touch with my doctor and it's kinda been stressing me out too because I feeling worried it might push out the time frame of when I can move on from treatment and move forward with my life.

I feel like I'm on a precipice of something and I'm just waiting to see if I'm going to fall or fly. My brain has been running at a thousand miles an hour and I don't know. Maybe if I really think about it, it could be because my birthday is on Tuesday and I always get a little retrospective around this time of the year.

But either way, I've got a ton of ideas. Literally a whole notebook full of stuff for what I want to do with this website and how I want to grow. So, thanks for being patient with me while I figure this out?

I suppose the theme of this post (aside from being the midnight ramblings of a woman with ADHD) is: I should be patient with myself. I'm working on it, okay?!

(oh, and for the record, I've been writing this post over the course of like three or four days... I'll figure it out some day.)

... now if you'll excuse me, I've got some reading to do.