I have been writing and rewriting posts over and over in my mind…

A post overlooking the past year. A post about mental health and my experiences with it. A post about advocacy and why I was in DC last month. A post about dating. But right now, all of them can wait.

On Saturday morning, I took my bulldogs to the vet. They were due for their annual vaccines and their 3-year rabies vaccine. Leuca’s skin had been flaring up and I noticed that Gunny hadn’t been himself lately. More concerning, I had noticed in the past week or so, there was a bump on his butt and he had been much more whiny — as if he were crying quietly while he lay down.

After some poking and prodding, the vet told me Gunny has a tumor and it can be potentially cancerous and potentially dangerous for him and the best option would be for it to be removed. The surgery is complicated and expensive.

I’ve been spinning ever since. My parents and I are trying to figure out how we can pay for the procedure and I am waiting for an official quote from the vet. At their suggestion (and against my better judgement), I’ve applied for the credit card they told me to apply for in the hopes that it would relieve some of the financial pressure.

Honestly, all it did was give me an anxiety attack at work yesterday. But I’ll circle back to that in another post.

I’m scared for Gunny. I’m scrambling to give him the best care that I can because I’m afraid, if it is cancerous, that the cancer will spread. He seems so helpless and sad and I know how that feels. I know how it feels to feel helpless and sad about what is going on in your body. I don’t want him to feel the way I felt and, yeah, maybe I’m projecting my feelings, but how can I help it right now? Coming off of this past year?

And deep down, in the depths of my fear spiral, I’m afraid he won’t fight it…

…and if he can’t, is that a sign?

I know that I’m better now and my counts are normalizing but I’m not in remission and I won’t be unless I find a clinical trial that works. It’s something that’s always in the back of my mind…