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“I’ve been avoiding you,” she said to herself…

This week has been an emotional roller coaster. My anxiety definitely reached new heights. I know that I am just stressing myself out but I cannot knock this feeling.

I went to a reproductive endocrinologist on Monday to have a consultation on possibly freezing my eggs. It was… heavy. After speaking with the doctor, he did a uterine ultrasound and afterwards, I broke down in the room. It has always been a deep underlying fear of mine that one day I’ll find out that I’m barren and I cannot have children and sitting in that room and discussing what certain treatments can do to me really struck that chord. Don’t get me wrong, the doctor was respectful, kind, and professional. He was actually great. But facing this fear freaked me out. I’m twenty-six and I know I want children one day but I didn’t want to be faced with that right now. It blew my mind that just a month ago, I was living in Manhattan. Single and working and navigating the weird world of “online dating” and then I was sitting in a room, alone, trying to figure out how I’m going to afford paying for a procedure to ensure that one day I could have children. I started sobbing uncontrollably and the nurse held me as I talked to her about it. I felt alone. I felt scared.

I just couldn’t fathom how quickly this got and how overwhelming it was. How overwhelming all of this has been.

They say that something in you clicks when you’re faced with mortality. Honestly, all I can think of is how much I want to do. How much I’ve yet to do.

I have my consultation with MSK today and it seems that I’ve been holding my breath for this specialist’s opinion on what to do next. Even the decision for the fertility clinic is on hold until I am done tonight.

I just want to get through this already.

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