It’s been too long and I’m lost without you…

I know it has been a few days since my last post. I honestly am unsure why it’s been so long…

I have all these ideas for posts in my head but I don’t want to write something in a space that lacks authenticity.

I feel like I’m floating through this week. The days are blurred in that sleepy way that often happens post-long weekend. The only difference for me is that I’m already in a “long weekend”. I don’t have the stability of going back to the office to separate my days and I’ve been going back and forth to blood work and ultrasounds almost everyday now. It’s always extremely early in the morning and it makes the day feel even longer. The hormones are working and the reproductive team are saying that we’re getting closer and closer to the time for the procedure.

I met with an anesthesiologist last weekend who told me that I might not be able to be completely under during the procedure because they are concerned that my airway might be restricted and that it would be high risk. So I’ll be in a light sedation — meaning twilight sleep — which is a bit nerve wracking but it will be okay. I will be okay.

Once my eggies have been retrieved and preserved, I can go back to the Cancer Institute for more blood work and eventually start the medication. I will be on this pill for a long time — basically until the effects wear off and my symptoms come back. When that happens, I will be prepped for chemo and radiation to prepare me for bone marrow transplant.

I think what has put me in this daze is that there aren’t any set dates. I work well with planning and events. If I know I have a deadline, I’ll be better off. (I’ll probably procrastinate through it but I won’t be as anxious).

I am hesitant to make plans outside of a week because I do not know when the procedure will be, I do not know when I will start my medication, and I do not know how I will react to it. I feel like I’m constantly in purgatory — some twilight in between of being in control and not. I hope it won’t always be this way. I want to get back to life!!!

I want to go to comedy shows. I want to sit on the beach. I want to go to the mermaid parade with my friends and not drive around for three hours searching for parking this year. I want to make plans. I want to go back to work. I want to be at Book Expo America right now. I want to work BookCon this weekend. I want to go to Chicago in the fall and I want to move back into Manhattan. I want to get my passport and go to Barcelona like I said I would in my “to-do list” for this year. I want to get back out there and go on dates.

Me. Minus the bestiality, Stockholm syndrome, singing housewares, and other problematic things in the movie.