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the burnout shame spiral

so I saw this tweet (below) earlier and I felt like it smacked me right in the face.

hello, 9-1-1? this tweet attacked me.

it perfectly encapsulates how I feel... pretty much all the time. this constant back and forth of "I should really be doing ___". especially now that I've dipped my toe in so many different areas.

I should film something. I should edit that other video. I should write a post for this blog. I should write a post for amandavscancer. I should do something for my advocacy team. I should clean. I should sleep. I should do something "productive". I should...

on and on and on and --

it almost never stops. and often I have to remind myself that I'm only human and I can only do so much and I'm doing the best I can. but there are days where I feel like "doing the best I can" isn't enough. there are days where work feels like it's crushing me. there are days where my hands hurt and I feel like I can't move. there are days where I am just mentally and emotionally drained.

and then, suddenly, the itch to be creative hits and it feels like trying to catch lightning in a bottle. I have to do it. I have to write this very second. and sometimes, I sit there, staring at a blank page, trying to figure out what I'm supposed to write or what I'm supposed to record and I cannot for the life of me summon any inspiration.

and sometimes it pours out of me (like tonight) and I'm scrambling to release this creativity while I have it at the tips of my fingers and then I blink and it's 3 am and I'm so tired and I can't sleep because my brain is working on over time and so the next day I'm exhausted and the draught starts over.

and throughout all of this, I need to remind myself, it's okay. I am not a fraud. I am not a failure.

and then there's the editing.

oh god the editing. many of these posts have been rewritten so many times and it's why, lately, the book I've read is usually reviewed a couple weeks later. I read it over and over and I'm usually so exhausted by the time I get to writing the first draft that it's practically incoherent. so I start over. or I rewrite. and next thing I know it's been two weeks and im like "ugh im just gonna share it already". and then I feel awful because I feel like the quality of my writing isn't what I want it to be. and then it also slows down my reading process because I want to dedicate a post per book and not clump them into monthly reviews, because by that point I've already been a few books ahead and I've forgotten what I think about the book and it dilutes my review.

my therapist said...

Michael (therapist extraordinaire) reminded me that I started doing this because I wanted to have fun and I wanted a place to put all my thoughts. that's the real reason I write here and why I write on Amandavscancer. he reminds me that I'm the one who started this blog and I'm the one making the rules and the best part about it, is that I can decide how I want my posts to be.

after I published my last post, I went through all of the posts on this blog to edit the tags and blurbs and I realized in reading some of these posts over that they're nowhere near the disasters I've made them out to be inside my head.

and isn't that the real lesson, I guess?

so maybe that's why this post has been the easiest for me to write. because it has been one of the most honest reflections into myself that I've done so far.

if I'm honest, I feel like im rambling. I feel like I'm scrambling. I feel like im teetering on the precipice of a cliff and I'm not sure what im supposed to be doing and how im supposed to be doing it. and in these times of doubt I think...

leap and the net will appear "Make it Mine" by Jason Mraz

so anyway. here we are. I did it. I finished my latest review and now I'm I guess allowed to finish the book im currently reading so I can start the process over again?

but im determined to reinvent this wheel. I'm determined to change how much pressure I'm putting on myself.

I can't promise it'll work or that I'll be instantly reformed. but it's a start? right?


p.s. the "featured image" for this post (you can handle today) is a desktop wallpaper I made for my laptop when I first started this blog and signed up for canva. if you like it, comment below and I'll add a link to download it free :)

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